A Consecrated Life

The following is a post written on April 4, 2011 when these thoughts were fresh on my mind. We hadn't announced our pregnancy yet, but I wanted to get my feelings down. As the purpose of this blog has become more of our family journal than anything, I still wanted to record this.


To be a mother is a huge blessing, but at times can still be really difficult. The joy and heartache resulting from our deep love for our children can be heart wrenching. In a small way we have the opportunity to consecrate our lives to serving others as the Savior did. What a unique blessing given to women. As soon as we make the decision to have children, we are already giving up a part of ourselves. Then it only increases as we nurture and care for our children and have to give up more of who we are and what we want. In our family we truly believe, "no worldly success can compensate for failure in the home." Many of us have given up careers, hobbies, free time, etc.--at least to some extent--to devote the next few decades to raising children. What a wonderful and incredible sacrifice. Some days it is hard and some days the happiness brings me to tears. All I know is I am so grateful for my mother, my parents' mothers, Cody's mother, and his parents' mothers, and all the other wonderful mothers I am privileged to know that continue to dedicate their life to a service absolutely supported and upheld by God.

As many of you probably know, Cody and I have had difficulty adding to our family. We have had some incredible experiences over the last year and a half. Too many to relate to you now but some have been sorrowful and heartbreaking, and others strengthening, uplifting, and faith building. As we've tried to gain understanding and learn what is in store for us, Heavenly Father has let us know that he loves us and that parenthood is a very important part of His plan.

A few months ago I took a pregnancy test that came back negative (one of many in the past year +). To that point I had felt like I had been strong and patient, but that time I broke down. It hit me hard. I was absolutely devastated. We kept fasting and praying and going to the temple. I wondered what was wrong with me and I made an infertility appointment with a doctor, but it would be a few more weeks before I could even get in. In the meantime, we went to the temple again. I have been putting "Baby Rowland" on the prayer roll for the last several months--if not longer. During the prayer the temple worker said, "bless the names... and those serving in the temple this day that their righteous desires will be granted according to their faith and thy will." That statement went straight to my heart and I couldn't hold back the tears. Then I was given the impression, "there is not a more righteous desire than to have children." Another time we went I was pondering again our pregnancy dilemma and I was given the fleeting--yet distinct--feeling that we would indeed have our own children. I had been wondering for months if adoption was how we were supposed to have the rest of our family. This told me no. I held on to this impression though to be honest I had a hard time completely trusting the feeling. I wanted to but I was scared. Especially after last summer.

To make a long story longer, a couple weeks later I was approaching the fertility appointment, but I also had reason to take another pregnancy test. I knew I had to before I went to the appointment so I would know what was going on. Again, I was scared. I didn't want another negative. OH, how I didn't want another negative! A couple days before the appointment, I made myself take one... and it was POSITIVE.
We were so thrilled! Yet still apprehensive because of the previous experience. I didn't want to celebrate too much until we absolutely knew this one was viable. I changed my fertility appointment to a prenatal one and went in two days later. What a blessing to already have a doctor scheduled (it was a little tricky in the first place)! I went to the doctor and she did an ultrasound and addressed my miscarriage concerns, etc. I think it was the best doctor's experience I have EVER had. She is amazing: honest, informative, patient, helpful, and considerate. Something I don't often haven't ever found in Asia. I felt so much better about the pregnancy after speaking with her. Seeing the baby during the ultrasound didn't hurt either. I saw the baby; I was six weeks along and I could see and hear the heartbeat.

The doctor also said everything appears to be healthy and normal for this point in the pregnancy. She also explained that just because I had a miscarriage, that didn't mean I was more likely to have another (something I was truly concerned about) and at this point she fully expects me to have a healthy pregnancy and delivery. I was more than relieved; I was exhilarated. Women's conference was a couple days later and all I could do was cry over every little thing that was said. I felt so, so, so grateful to be pregnant. So grateful. One thing that was said was that sometimes, like the Brother of Jared, we have to prepare all the way and act as the Lord will make it happen. I feel like that is what happened with us. We had to go through all the steps, all the way up to scheduling an infertility appointment, and then the Lord blessed us.

I went back to the doctor two weeks later for the eight week appointment, and baby #2 was progressing perfectly.

Still, we determined it best to wait until the 12 week mark to tell anyone, just to be safe. My parents were here on week 13, so we determined to tell them the exciting news in person.

I am so very happy to be pregnant with baby #2. Sometimes it feels so surreal; it seemed it was never going to happen and this Rowland family would be a family of three forever. I haven't been sick; just tired, hungry, and urinating frequently. And I feel like my metabolism has halted and is storing every single calorie I take in. Baby has a nice soft round tummy to live in already.

Some thing else I've learned through this experience: having another baby is not solely about Cody and me. It is also about the baby. Although I've had a hard time dealing with the age gap between Jadyn and #2, I've realized maybe this is the time Heavenly Father wants Baby Boy to be on the earth, because he has people and experiences he is supposed to be here for. It is not so much about us--or even Jadyn--as it is about him. Also, one extra year + in between is not such a big deal in the eternal perspective and looking at it in God's time. It really isn't a big deal. I'm just so happy we get to have another baby and I get to expand my role and service as a mother! Baby is due November 2, 2011!

Here is the obligatory pregnancy pic at 17 weeks.