Yesterday I had to do the third hardest thing I have ever done. First: becoming a CPA. Second: bringing Jadyn into this world (this does not mean delivery alone, it also means nine months of pregnancy). Third: cancelling my CPA license.
I have cried over this approximately 4.7 times in the past few weeks, .5 of that being right now. Let me give a little background as to why this was so hard for me and why it had to happen.
Growing up I always had dreams of being successful--all in business oriented ways. My parents' friends would jokingly tell me they would all be working for me someday. When I started college and subsequently decided to major in Accounting, I had big plans for a great career. I always had the struggle inside myself about being a mother and the Church's teachings about that. I did not understand why we are given talents if we are not supposed to use them. As I struggled with this, I came to the realization being a mother is the most important thing I could do in this life. I went on with the determination to pursue a career and make decisions about family as they present themselves. Then I met the most wonderful man in the world: Cody. He obviously turned my world upside down.
When we were dating, he was worried about me finishing school, starting a career, and leaving him behind (he was only in his first semester of college and I was in my last year of undergrad). He said something to me about moving ahead with my career, implying it would be without him. But I told him just because I move forward, it doesn't mean it has to be without him. Soon after that we decided to get married. Undeniably the best decision of my life.
As soon as I decided to marry him, I knew I wanted to be a mother. Not only did I want to be a mother, but I wanted to stay at home and care for our children. I couldn't imagine having to leave them with someone else so I could go to work. Cody and I made the decision to make this happen. We knew it would be best for our children to have their mom at home with them.
Then came the trials of school and money (and the lack thereof). As I finished graduate school and got a "real" job, I made plans to take the CPA exam. Many people fail this exam. In fact many people fail many times. I promised myself I would not do that. I told myself failing is NOT an option. So I studied. And prayed. And studied more and prayed more. With that came passing scores, three of the four reaching 90 or above, and the fourth in the 80s. I was exhilarated. Now to get licensed. Passing the test is only part of the process to actually be a CPA. My goal was to become a CPA, so I had to keep moving forward. I think I passed the last section of the exam in May 2007 and didn't become certified until November 2007--that is how painstaking the licensing process was!
Becoming and being a CPA has literally consumed my life for the past seven years: 3 1/2 undergrad, 1 grad, 2 1/2 as an auditor. Now tell me transition to motherhood isn't going to be hard. Tell me it is going to be perfect and wonderful. Then throw in moving half way around the world, away from family, to a place you don't speak the language and know no one. Tell me it is going to be perfectly wonderful. I know that it's not. I knew that it wasn't getting into it.
And with that, this will have to be continued as I hear Jadyn stirring from her nap...
6 comments:
Nicole, I read your thoughts and I started to cry for .5 as well. You are so amazing to me and you never cease to amaze me with your many talents but specifically your wonderful personality! You are truly one of the smartest people I know and I am always amazed when I think about your schooling and work! I always wanted to be just like you!
I think it is part of all of us mom’s who are staying home to stop and think wait a second, is this really what I am doing. Not that there is anything else I would rather do, but I admit it makes me sad sometimes when no one asks me where I went to school or where I worked, or recognizes that there is more to me then a stay at home wife and mother. It is depressing as well when I look at the graduate program that I want to do and wonder to myself how I am ever really going to get it done.
But like you said I knew all of this when I made the best decision of my life!
I guess that is my small confession.
Can’t wait to see you!
Love you!
Oh Nicole! Don't feel bad! You shouldn't feel like you worked so hard for the CPA and now you're giving up on it. You can always go back! Right now, Cody is working on his career and you are concentrating on your family. You are doing the right thing!!
Nicole-
I read this post with tears streaming down my face. As a stay-at-home-mom myself, I can somewhat relate to the mixed emotions that come from the sacrifices we make when we choose to be home. All I know is that Heavenly Father makes us equal to all that is asked of us, and that these sacrifices are payed to us in blessings that definitely outweigh the costs. I try to remind myself of this, as all too often I forget and become caught up in my "little picture". I love you and am lucky to have you as an example in my life. Hang in there :)
I went through something very similar when I quite my job in Nov. I cried, read the Ensign, prayed, talked to my hubby, called my Mom, and now I LOVE being home. It's hard, but the best for our families! Hang in there!
Nicole,
I loved this post, and I understand. I often get the question "why did you get a masters degree if you're going to stay home." When I decided to become a mom, I knew I was going to stay home, despite me getting out of touch with the work world and not being about to teach again. I know that it's the right thing to do. And, yes, it's very, very difficult. Even being in the states, it's still difficult, so I can't even imagine what it's like for you across the world. Just know you made the right decision. Last month the visting teaching message really inspired me. It talked about how we fought, in the pre-earth life, to be mothers. We wanted to be mothers more than anything. I have often thought of this, and I'm not going to give up this opportunity to be a part of the "work world." I fought to be a mother, and I'm going to take full advantage of this opportunity.
Loved the post. Obviously, it set me on a soap box.
Nicole, I am so glad you decided to write about this. Thanks for being real! I admire your decisions to follow the counsel of the prophets. You have done everything the way they have instructed and I know you will be blessed because of it. You are a wonderful example to all of us! I was thinking about this very thing the other day wondering how it would feel. It seems like it would be very hard, but totally worth it. To me, you are living the dream you are a highly intelligent, edcuated, beautiful wife and mother who is living a life of adventure as you see the world. I love and admire all that you do. I am so glad we can blog and keep connected. I know there are so many women out there who can relate and for those of us who don't have children yet, you give us comfort to know that it will be hard but very rewarding! Love you!!!
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