Short Pregnancy

As Jadyn and I sat on the bus on our way to the Adventist Hospital last Thursday morning, I felt so much excitement about our appointment. I thought about seeing our new baby on the ultrasound screen and hearing the heartbeat for the first time. Still my anticipation was lined with a bit of apprehension.

I don't have much experience with hospitals, but I can only imagine the experience would have been different in America. First I went to the Priority Care Center (PCC), which I think is basically a way to pay more money to have someone take you to where you need to go and cut in front of the lines to see the doctors. I had an appointment with a certain doctor, but I was first taken to get an ultrasound. The only thing the U-tech asked was "Can you speak Chinese?" "I cannot." If I remember right she didn't speak to me the rest of the time. I didn't appreciate that very much because I was sure interested in what she was seeing/not seeing in my uterus. Apparently she didn't see anything because next I was taken across the hall to get a vaginal ultrasound. I didn't think this was too odd, because that is what happened when I had Jadyn; my first visit was too early to see anything on a normal ultrasound. A new lady did the next ultrasound; again the question: "Can you speak Chinese?" "No." Great. Now I won't know what is going on again. I specifically made an appointment with a doctor that speaks English for this very reason!!! She began explaining things in English. Thank goodness!! It wasn't good. My ovaries were completely normal and she could see no baby in my uterus.

A couple weeks prior I had taken two pregnancy tests with positive results. A few days prior to that I was having some cramping, but no bleeding. About a week after I started bleeding. It didn't seem real extreme or heavy, and I didn't have any cramping or pain during that time. It seemed really strange, but I was hopeful it would turn out to be nothing. I talked to a couple nurses and doctors, as well as some experienced mothers, but never had a formal appointment as we don't have insurance in the States. I was able to get in for this appointment a few days after our return to Taiwan.

After having the second ultrasound, I was told to go back to the PCC, who then took me to the doctor for the actual appointment. I finally sat down with the doctor who explained again what the ultrasound results showed: no baby in the uterus, normal ovaries. To be honest, at this point I was still in a bit of a fog as to what was actually happening and what this all meant. The doctor explained it could mean either an abortion--which I assumed was a mistranslation from Chinese to English and corrected her by saying "miscarriage"--or an ectopic pregnancy. I kept thinking maybe everything was still okay; maybe they've just misread or misunderstood something. She wanted to have a urine and blood test done next because if it was an ectopic pregnancy, the egg might be too small to see in the ultrasounds. I was told to go back to the PCC once again. The kind nurse there walked me over to the lab.

This was interesting/different. She handed me a dixie-like paper cup and pointed to what looked like public bathrooms. Ohhh-kaay. Here goes. A few minutes later I walked out with my cup (as the janitor and other bathroom-goers are looking at me and my cup) and handed it to her. That was weird. And gross. Next the nurse took me to the phlebotomist. Also an interesting experience. I was taken to a seat at a window where I stuck my arm on the counter, my blood was drawn from a woman on the other side, and that was that.

At this point the nice nurse told me it would take an hour for the test results and she walked me to the door so I could kill time by walking around the neighborhood. Luckily, there's a mall just a few blocks down. As she was walking with me from place to place, she explained more what was happening. I finally asked the question with an answer that was probably obvious, but I didn't want to believe: "So, I either had a miscarriage or I have an ectopic pregnancy?" "Yes." "Can the baby survive through and ectopic pregnancy?" "No. It is very dangerous and you may have to have the baby removed." I looked away to hide my face as it took all my concentration to keep my chin from quivering and tears from pouring out my eyes. It was all I could do to keep my composure. I just wanted to be alone and let the tears flow. I finally made it outside; Jadyn and I were finally alone--that is with all the other pedestrians hurrying along on the sidewalk. As I walked toward the mall, I pulled out my phone to call Cody. As soon as I heard his voice, I couldn't hold it together anymore. All he heard on his end was uncontrollable sobbing as I tried to gain enough composure to explain the situation. It felt good to let all the built up emotion out and it was therapeutic to talk to my husband.

The test results were as good as we could expect at this point. A negative pregnancy test and normal blood levels, which means it was in fact a miscarriage and there is no ectopic pregnancy. The best of the two options, I suppose. I am grateful that if this had to happen that it did so early on with such little pain and emotional attachment. Now it is just hoping there is nothing wrong with me and everything will be fine from this point forward. Time will tell. I think someone is trying to teach me patience.

One of the hardest parts about this situation is my lack of understanding. I'd had some really neat spiritual experiences in the last month or so that had confirmed to me that I would get pregnant and then that I was pregnant. I really tried to demonstrate faith and hope in those experiences, so when I saw the positive pregnancy results, it was a sweet confirmation to my testimony. When I started having complications, I really tried not to worry and to have faith everything would be fine based on those previous experiences. Now I'm just confused whether the whole thing is an interrelated learning experience and a test in faith, or the resulting miscarriage is a consequence of certain choices. One thing I know is that what has happened has happened and although I'm sad and disappointed, I will move forward and let God bless us in His way and time. Even if that means frustration on my end. My father-in-law put it best when he said something to the affect of, "there are a lot of spirits waiting to come down and get bodies. The body needs to be developed and working right for the spirit that will possess it. Even though it is hard on the parents, it is better to wait for a healthy body." This brought me a lot of comfort and a more complete understanding. I'm not distraught about the situation anymore and have come to terms with it. It is almost like the pregnancy never happened and we just have to keep trying.

The doctor said we need to wait and track a few cycles before we try getting pregnant again. For those with knowledge or experience in this type of matter: is this normal practice, is it really a concern, or can we disregard this advice?


An additional note:
I've wavered back and forth between whether such a personal thing should be written on such a public place or not. We were excited to find out we were prego while we were in UT and wanted to tell friends and family in person while we had the chance. Obviously it was too soon, but now that people know we feel you ought to also know that we are actually no longer pregnant. We figured this would be the quickest and least painful form of communication. This way it is easier on us as we don't need to repeat the sad news several times. Although I feel okay about this (I'm sad, disappointed, and maybe even a little discouraged, but my emotions are healing quickly), I'd still like to request no questions about us getting pregnant again, etc. I believe Heavenly Father will bless us with a baby when it is time and we will inform all of you about it when that time comes. So many of our blog audience are very close family and friends. Please understand how we are feeling and forgive us for not telling you personally.